There's so much I want to say. Correction: there's so much that I'm thinking. It just doesn't come out. It badly wants to reach its way to my fingers so that I can type it out, but it doesn't know how to go about releasing itself. I can try my best. I don't think it's possible. I have intense problems expressing myself. Sometimes, even to myself, in my head. My mind races. Constantly. I need to put my thoughts in order. But how? The simple idea of trying to write down everything that's been making me feel completely inadequate lately is kind of overwhelming. Maybe I can start by today. And work my way to the past.
Today. Today was a usual day. I woke up. Got ready in a very tired manner. I wanted nothing more than to continue lying beneath my warm blanket, all curled up and exhausted. I take my bed for granted sometimes. The corridor and kitchen in my apartment were cold. I went back to my room for warmth several times. But more than ever, I wanted to day to be over with. It had only begun, on a tired note. I'll spare the details concerning the public transportation on the way to stage. I arrived at stage, a little late but I was the first one there. There were already clients waiting in the waiting area. And lots of them. There were only two social workers, so I didn't want to be in the way. It was an intense morning. I'm trying to recall what I did. Right. I called two victims to inform them what was going to be happening with their case. It went ok. The only reason it went ok was because I was making these calls in my office, alone. I get super stressed, nervous, agitated, anxious, incompetent, retarded if someone else is around. Why? Obvious reason: low self-confidence. I understand why I'm this way. But I don't know how to fix it. It's getting unbearable. It's all I think about. Among other things. The more I think about it, the more awkward I seem. I feel like this crazy stupid person because of how shy and reserved I am. I'm doing my stage in a particular setting. I have to interact with all kinds of people: victims, criminals, lawyers, prosecutors, judges, social workers, etc. I feel like this miniscule person in something very big. But I'm taking things way out of proportion! I need to lighten up. This is a learning experience, not an effort to prove that I'm as good as everyone else. That's where it all seems to go wrong. I'm so afraid of seeming like a dumbass, that I make myself look like a dumbass. Evidently, I've given this a lot of thought. I know what the problems are, I know where they stem from. I know the solutions are simple, but I can't help but feel this way. It's a neverending dilemma (or just seems as so) and it's ruining everything.
Why am I so awkward? I've learned to accept and embrace my awkwardness in a certain sense. It's not so bad at work or at school anymore. I still refuse to participate in class, so not much has changed in that respect. But there's a different feeling. I remember a few semesters ago, I randomly started crying during class because I felt so alone. I just feel normal now. I have no interest in most people at my school/work anyhow. At stage though, it's one awkward moment after another. It hurts everytime it happens. It hurts in a way that I can never explain. The problem is, the whole awkward scenario replays in my head a few times right after it happens in an overlapping fashion, and then it happens again, one awkward moment after the other because it's all I think about up until I get a moment to breeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaathe. The problem with me is that I interpret every facial expression and every ambiguous comment as being somewhat hostile. Perhaps a concrete example will make my point clearer. Let's say I ask someone at my stage "Do you have time right now to answer a quick question about something?" and that her response is "Hmmm, not right now I'm kind of busy". I'll respond with "Oh, that's ok. Sorry". Meanwhile, what actually goes through my head afterwards is: *slight panic attack* "Ok, I should have known she was busy! why did I even consider asking? Stupid! She's probably thoroughly annoyed with me". And this is VERY much a simplified version of my thought process. It'll usually go on for a longer time than that in my head. It happens incessantly throughout the day. Overlapping thoughts of nonsense is what happens. Here's the dilemma: rationally, I know this is ridiculous. I KNOW. But I can't help it. I can't. At all. I just can't help it.
So where does it all come from? I think it comes from having a mother who has always taught me that what other people think of me is of utmost importance. Anything less than perfection in the religious sense was unacceptable. God forbid any of her friends know that I smoke, go out late at night, moved out, live with boys, and the list goes on and on. I'm doing my best to follow my religion in a secular society. I could be doing better, but I just don't want to. Every phase in my life, it was something different. When I was 13, it was the mere fact that boys would call me on the telephone. Now it's me, taking off my hijab. I can definitely see how, through my mothers eyes, my life is going downhill. Through my eyes, I just don't know yet. I haven't fully figured out what my existential purpose on earth is. I have a slight idea. But being taught through fear has had a great impact on everything for me right now. Bottom line, my mom's worried about me and cares about me a great deal. But the communication between us has always been, and will probably remain dysfunctional. The only thing I can do is sit back, and accept it. It seems like I've tried every other method. I just feel so alone sometimes. None of my friends really know what it's like. Not true, many have mother issues but I've never really had friends that wanted to talk about deep emotions such as these. Everyone in my surrounding kind of stays on the superficial side. Unfortunately, I can't even talk to my sisters about this, and they might be the only ones that understand.
I need to try and find some sort of solution on my own. Writing this entry is a good first step. It's the first time I ever write anything like this and it feels... strange. I'm gonna try and open up to people a little more. I need to realize that not everyone is like my mother. Shutting everyone out only gives people more opportunities to judge me. Here's to hoping something good will come out of this.
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
freakonaleash00's journal